Gautam B.
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Gautam B.
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Posted on 08-08-05 3:03
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"शहरको एक दिन" बिहान सबेरै, एक हुल कुकुरहरु आएर सडकमा राशलीला मच्चाईदिन्छन ; दिनभरि, नाङ्?गो एकलास डाँडोमा आफ्नै छायाँमा गाडिएर एउटा रुख रोइरहन्छ; साँझ परेपछि, अराजक सडकहरु पहाडमा ठोक्किएर चूपचाप घर फर्कन्छन ; र आफ्नै सुरक्षामा खटिएको शहर, आफ्नै आँसुको घोर वर्षामा रातभर एक्लै रुझिरहन्छ ।
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netaZneta
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Posted on 08-08-05 2:32
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Enjoyed it, thank you! You have talent, nurture it. Not that I know much about poetry, but for whatever it is worth, I found the transition from the third stanza into the fourth a bit choppy.
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Nepe
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Posted on 08-08-05 2:55
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शैलीको हिसाबले यो कबितालाई improvised हाईकु र मुक्तक निर्मित गजल भने हुन्छ । शास्त्रिय हाईकुको '५-७-५ वर्ण' नियम, मुक्तकको '४ पंक्ति' र 'अनुप्रास' नियम बाट मुक्त भएकोले improvised र गजलकै शेर संगठन भएकोले गजलनुमा । हाम्रो समय छरिता कविताहरुको हो, त्यसैले यस्ता कविताप्रति मेरो विशेष अनुराग छ । वृतान्तवादी भीमकाय कविताहरु, विशिष्ट सन्देश भएका बाहेक (जस्तै: श्रवण मुकारुङ को 'बिसे नगर्चीको बयान') व्यस्त आधुनिक पाठकहरु अनुकुल शायदै होला । गौतमजी तपाईको छरितो कवितालाई बधाई । मलाई प्रिय कवितांश, साँझ परेपछि, अराजक सडकहरु पहाडमा ठोक्किएर चूपचाप घर फर्कन्छन
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Gautam B.
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Posted on 08-08-05 5:27
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Thank you netaznetaji and nepeji.
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